A Beginning

I love blogging. I find though, that I shy away from it. Scared to admit my inner feelings and thoughts, this is the second blog I've started in a year - and I hope I don't discard it again. Sometimes I find it easier to write the way I'm feeling, rather than speak it. Lately, I've been in that type of mood - shying away from being social, preferring to sit at home and think.

I guess an introduction is needed first. You can call me Cee. I'm 27 years old. I've lived in three different countries so far in my life, but long to move back to my home country. I am with a wonderful man, who I love to pieces but who also drives me insane sometimes [isn't this true for all men?]. We got married in July, at a court but our big wedding celebration is coming up in little over than a month. I'm proud to say that I've planned most of the event on my own, and only have a few little tidbits left to finish up. And I'm even more proud to say that I haven't become (and do not plan to) a Bridezilla. And I didn't choose ugly dresses for my Bridesmaids.

I have a lot going on though - internally. My mother has been given a year to live if she doesn't have a liver transplant. This breaks my heart. I struggle daily to be strong for her, while she goes in and out of hospital, having every test known to man done to her. Every night I beg God to help my mother, I plead to keep her healthy. I have to be the strong one - my mother is depending on me, my brother is struggling to cope with the news and my step-father has gone through every stage imaginable, only just arriving at acceptance (months after my brother and I accepted it). Extended family is finding out about the news, so every day my phone rings from family around the globe. I hold it all together while they cry. I calmly tell them the situation and what we hope will happen. I hang up and I feel drained. It's hard being the strong one all the time. My better half tells me to lean on him, but I can't. This is something I have to do.

Since my husband [it still feels weird saying that...] and I got that awful, heartbreaking phone call in July from my mother, we stopped being careful about me not getting pregnant. It was an unsaid thing between us, and we just started trying to get pregnant. I can't explain it, but I guess if the worst [God forbid] does happen to my mother, at least hopefully, she'd be able to meet her grandchild. Currently, my period is 9 days late and in three days, if it doesn't show, I'm going to the dr's for a blood test. I so want to be pregnant, but I don't want to get my hopes up either. I've told my husband that until the doctor confirms it, in my mind, I'm not pregnant. I just can't understand why every time I light a cigarette, I feel guilty.